Why I Won't Go See the Zelda Movie

What AI thinks a dramatic Legend of Zelda movie poster looks like

2024.09.03-22

TLDR;

Zelda has always been difficult to portray in film media. With the generally "weak" storylines and Nintendo's control, I doubt it will be a blockbuster. Zelda is my religion, so I want to keep my memory of it as pure as I can.

Introduction

I am an avid aficionado of video games and their big-screen adaptations. Even worse, I see them as the avaricious juggernaut that's poised to replace the now-stale and overly-clich�d comic book adaptation industry. I started with the true Super Mario Bros. movie, then continued with Laura Croft 1 and 2, Final Fantasy, Prince of Persia, Detective Pikachu, Assassin's Creed, Doom, Ratchet & Clank, Angry Birds 1 and 2, Sonic 1 and 2 (soon to include 3), the new Super Mario Bros. reboot, Warcraft, and much more. Put simply, I love videogame movies and adaptations. Even when Ratchet & Clank retconned the entire series to sell a videogame remake. Even when the Sonic movie came out, and I saw the unspeakable horror, I still stood by and loved videogame adaptations. Even though the Sonic movies are drawn from the Adventure and future games, tossing the classics away and spitting on my childhood, I stuck with them. I still do today.

In the world of videogames, there is not a videogame series that I love as much as The Legend of Zelda franchise. Period. It is my mythology, it is my bedtime story. If I was an atheist or agnostic, Zelda would be my religion. While I do believe in God, I do jokingly say that Zelda is my "religion." This is because I see religion as systematized traditions and practices ascribed to a certain spiritual belief. It's too difficult to go into here, so let's get back on track.

Zelda holds a special place in my heart. OoT was my intro to the series, followed by an insatiable desire for MM and OoS/OoA. I wanted MM so badly that I declined when my Pop offered to get me an ATV for my birthday. Rather than take that great deal, I reasoned with him to get me MM and the N64 Expansion Pak instead. If it wasn't for OoT, I wouldn't be in the IT world at all. I would've been a doctor, bioengineer, or historian. Okay, so it's more like Zelda ruined my future but bear with me...

Zelda caused me to get the N64. The N64 made me confident with hardware and digital electronics. This confidence made me play around to see how stuff worked. This tinkering caused my to naturally love computers later in life. This love of computers became a passionate career that gave me a skillset for pattern-recognition and problem-solving. Essentially, Zelda made me smart and adaptable. Also, it caused me to end up becoming an avid armchair bible scholar and thus made me a semi-polymath. Finally, it taught me patience and how to listen to others. In a way, I owe much of my success to Zelda rather than our educational system.

My Desire for A Zelda Movie

For most of my younger years, I craved a Zelda movie. It would've been so cool if it came out. No longer would I waste time on LotR and the senseless fantasy genre. No more would I premature-cosplay as Link during Halloween or role-play with my gradeschool friends. I would finally have what I always wanted. Since Nintendo said "nope" to a Zelda movie but "yup" to an off-kilter TV show and terrifying CDi spinoffs, I didn't hold my breath. Instead, I was a true fanboy and tried making my own Zelda movie in Blender with TP models as my only resources. Thank goodness that those videos were lost and never saw the light of day...

My Newfound Fear of a Zelda Movie Adaptation

However, with the recent announcement, I reacted differently to my younger self. I didn't want it to happen. Maybe this was because I had a foul taste in my mouth left from that 3D Mario movie. Detective Pikachu was amazing, so was Sonic, but then this?! Why?!! Don't get me wrong, I love the little references to the most obscure Mario media. But that movie... it was uninspiring. From the first trailer to skipping it in theaters just to see it at home... it felt dead and void of life. I don't want that to happen to the One videogame series that I love. I don't want to see a generic film that retells the entirety of the series. Rather, I'd love to see a movie that is but one obscure story in the series. If they made it fit into The Timeline then I might consider.

Getting to the Point

However, that is all aside from the point. Zelda media has been really lacking outside of the official games. Even the Burger King toys were... yeah... And then, Lego Zelda?!?! I am just afraid that a Zelda movie would be a bad take. Regardless of what actors, director, producers, studios, and all that Nintendo chooses, I'm afraid they will mess it all up and make another 3D, 2023 Mario-esque movie that looks great but leaves a bad taste in your mouth. That is why I will not watch the Zelda movie, assuming that it does come out. The only thing to change my mind would be the official trailer, but even then...

I think it all comes down to the fact that the Zelda games are immersive. The main character could go by any name until BotW introduced voice acting. The ability to name "Link" and the lack of spoken dialogue was a design choice that would engage players more, and it worked. I hated the '90s TV show because Link talked. I fear the movie will go the same way. It is for these reasons that I will most-likely decline going to see the new Zelda movie. I will likely watch Sonic 4 instead...